The Other Side of the Story: Healing Black Men from the Rift Between Father and Son
By Dr. Ifeanyi Ufondu, Clinical Psychologist | Founder, BroKin Mental Health Solutions
“He could’ve been there. But she didn’t want him to be.”
That’s a statement I’ve heard in countless therapy sessions with Black men. It spills out with a cocktail of resentment, confusion, and grief. Sometimes whispered, sometimes shouted. Always aching.
In the story of the absent Black father, we rarely talk about the missing chapter—the one where the father wanted to be there, but the door was locked behind emotionally broken, sometimes vengeful, and occasionally traumatized mothers. This is not an attack on Black women. It is an invitation into a more honest, nuanced dialogue. Because if we’re serious about healing Black men, we have to be serious about the complex truths they carry—including when the pain doesn’t fit the narrative we’re comfortable with.
The Father Who Tried—And Was Blocked
Let’s begin with reality: Black fathers are more present than mainstream media suggests. CDC data from a national survey showed that Black fathers who live with their children are more involved in caregiving than white or Latino fathers. Even noncustodial Black fathers have shown up—often through barriers, systemic and personal.
But what happens when the barrier isn’t just systemic—but emotional? When the gatekeeper to the child is the mother, and she is acting from her own hurt, resentment, or fear?
In clinical settings, I’ve worked with Black men who have court receipts, call logs, baby shower pictures, and screenshots of blocked texts—proof that they tried. They were pushed out by silence, family shame, or a distorted tale told to the child that he left us. Now, 10, 15, 20 years later, that son has grown up angry. Not just at the father—but at himself, at the mother, at life.
The Son Who Was Lied To
“He never wanted you.”
That phrase can create decades of depression in a Black boy. Especially when that same boy sees his father online smiling with another family, or hears from a cousin that “your daddy actually used to come around—till your mama made it hard.”
It’s emotional whiplash. That boy, now a man, is left to question:
– Was I unwanted?
– Was I lied to?
– Who was trying to protect me?
– And who was trying to hurt the other parent?
This mental tug-of-war shows up in therapy as distrust, identity issues, hypermasculinity, anxiety, anger outbursts, substance use, or deep, aching isolation. It’s not just about the absence of a father—it’s about the distortion of a father.
Mothers, Trauma, and Control
Before we go further, let me be clear: Black mothers are the backbone of our community. They have done the impossible. They’ve held families together under the weight of incarceration, poverty, discrimination, and abandonment.
But they are also human. And hurt people—even good people—can sometimes make self-protective decisions that cause generational confusion. Sometimes, the mother’s version of the story is shaped by:
– Emotional abandonment (even if not physical)
– Cheating or betrayal
– Unresolved trauma from her own father
– Fear of losing control
– Shame from family or church circles
– Economic struggle and survival tactics
In some cases, a mother may truly believe she is protecting her child from a father she views as toxic, unreliable, or dangerous. In other cases, her decision to erase or distort the father’s role is more punitive or pride-driven. Either way, the child grows up emotionally fragmented.
The Psychological Cost to Black Men
In my practice at BroKin Mental Health Solutions, I’ve sat across from Black men who say:
– I don’t trust women.
– I feel like I don’t even know myself.
– I became a dad and still don’t know what I’m doing—I had no example.
– I feel like my mom lied to me, but I don’t know if I can even say that without people calling me ungrateful.
That last one is particularly painful—because Black sons often feel trapped between loyalty to the mother who raised them and curiosity (or bitterness) toward the father who didn’t.
It creates a lifelong identity rift. The young man might become emotionally closed off, skeptical of guidance, or avoidant in romantic relationships. He may also project that father-wound onto his own children—or repeat the cycle by becoming the kind of dad he once hated.
The Truth-Telling Stage of Therapy
When a Black man finally comes to therapy, he’s often arriving in what I call the Truth-Telling Stage. That’s when the dust has settled from adolescence, and he starts asking hard questions. It usually sounds like:
– Why wasn’t he there?
– What really happened between my parents?
– What if I’ve been mad at the wrong person?
This moment is sacred. And dangerous. Because how that man handles this information can either liberate him or break him further.
Therapy becomes the space where he is allowed to grieve the fantasy of the father he wished for, interrogate the myths he was raised with, and build emotional clarity about what he needs now—not what he missed then.
Forgiveness Isn’t Blindness—It’s Boundaried Grace
One of the most powerful moments in therapy is when a Black man says:
“I forgive them both… but I’m not going to carry this anymore.”
That’s not avoidance. That’s evolution.
It doesn’t mean you excuse what happened. It means you choose not to let childhood confusion ruin adult peace. You can set boundaries with your mother and reach out to your father—without betraying yourself.
You can ask questions that might be painful to hear the answers to. You can accept that both of your parents were human, not just heroes or villains.
And if the father is open, you can choose to rebuild something—even if it’s not a traditional relationship, but simply clarity and closure.
Reconstructing the Father-Son Bond (Even If Late)
If you’re reading this as a Black son who’s now a father, or thinking about reaching out to your dad—here are a few clinical steps to consider:
1. Write a Letter You May Never Send
Say everything. Unfiltered. Rage, grief, hope, confusion. This letter is your release, even if your father never reads it.
2. Ask for the Origin Story
If the door opens, ask your father: “What happened between you and mom?” Ask without accusation. Ask to understand, not attack.
3. Validate Your Own Experience
Even if your mom lied, your pain was still real. Betrayal, absence, confusion—they hurt, no matter who caused them.
4. Consider Joint Therapy
Some father-son pairs have found healing through guided therapy sessions. The therapist becomes a translator for generational pain.
5. Heal in Community
BroKin offers **group therapy** for Black men unpacking father wounds. You are not alone. What was hidden in shame can be healed in solidarity.
Final Thoughts: Reclaiming the Full Story
At BroKin Mental Health Solutions, we believe that healing isn’t about finding someone to blame—it’s about reclaiming the whole story. The full, messy, human story.
If your father didn’t walk away—but was pushed, erased, or silenced—you deserve to know that. And if your mother made decisions in pain or confusion, you can acknowledge that without dishonoring her. You can hold space for both realities.
Because the goal isn’t just to point fingers—it’s to break cycles. And that starts by telling the truth, in safe spaces, with people who will hold your heart gently while you untangle the past.
If you are a Black man, or raising one, and this resonated with you—
Know that healing is possible. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Contact BroKin.org to schedule an individual or group therapy session.
Because your story matters. All of it.
Dr. Ifeanyi Ufondu is a Clinical Psychologist and Founder of BroKin Mental Health Solutions, serving Black and Latino men through culturally competent therapy, healing retreats, and trauma-informed support across the nation.
